Marc Urutia
4/14/2010
--------When I skip out on foreplay, my orgasms don’t feel as good.
--------That’s not to say they aren’t good, or enjoyable, the same can be said for her but really when you take your time, lay the ground work, build up the anticipation, need and desire that final release is fucking great (pun intended)
--------Clash of the Titans is like skipping the foreplay. It’s still a pretty good lay, and nutting is nutting so how bad can it be right? Yet at the same time it’s tragic. It’s like becoming a tantric master, having plenty of game, moves, techniques and all the knowledge to be the best at making fuk that ever lived but instead you just grab some AstroGlide, lube up your dong and pound missionary style for 2 minutes and blow your wad.
--------It sounds kind of sad right?
--------Clash of the Titans could have been an epic lay but it gives no foreplay. There is plenty to work with, it could have been a cunning linguist but instead it’s a drunken frat boy plowing away at some equally drunken broad and neither of them are having a particularly good time of it.
--------Olympus is awesome. The gods look great but holy shit they don’t say anything. Zeus belts out some good lines, as does his angry brother Hades who (Beware massive spoiler) is trying to usurp his brother’s throne. No way???!?! The evil god of all things that suck is plotting against his bigger, stronger, more handsome, better endowed, more shiny armored brother? Unbelievable. Haven’t these guys heard of Greek Tragedies? Ohh wait…
--------Uhm anyway….so meanwhile Argos is running amok saying Fuck gods. They shit on us, piss on us, fuck our women or men, fuck us up…lots of ways to get fucked by the gods of Olympus both figuratively and literally. But because Argos has had enough and they toppled over a big Zeus statue the gods had enough.
--------Hades concocts a plan to drive them in to fear so they pray to the gods to save them (but really he just wants the fear) and to do this, he threatens to release the Kraken on their fucked up city unless they sacrifice their princess.
--------The king who suddenly doesn’t want to piss off the gods anymore sends his best warriors along with Purseus to stop this.
--------What follows is a cliché series of interactions that are in all honestly quite horrid. Purseus who is pissed off that Hades killed his family while they were out boating around for fish refuses to acknowledge his god half and goes in to battle each time with his war cry, “I do this as a man!!!” that’s not true but you will hear that phrase more than you heard “The force is with you.” In 6 fucking starwars films.
--------Anyway, from there it pretty much follows the old one. They fight monsters, bad guys, talk to the three witches, fight medusa (Which was bad ass) fight the Kraken, do all other kinds of shit but there was no foreplay.
--------No meaningful dialogue no time to get to know the characters so I could give a shit about them if they died heroically, or spit on them if they died a coward. By the end of the film I started getting to know some of the people on the quest with “I will do it as a man” Purseus but that was also around the time their attrition spiked through the roof. I mean lets face it, unless you are half god or better, fighting Medusa, Giant Scorpions, Krakens, Demons, Pshychotic blind magic witches and such just isn’t good for your longevity. In fact it’s down right counter-intuitive.
--------I will say the final action sequence is pretty amazing. As good as any sequence I’ve seen in a fantasy film. I mean it’s not quite Siege at Gondor or battle of Paelanor fields but those were army’s massed to kill each other. This was one dude on a flying horse with a severed snake woman’s head being pursued by like a half a dozen demons, with a Kraken trying to eat him. The dynamic is different but it was one hell of an action sequence.
--------Anyway…check this film out if you feel like cinematic fucking but don’t want any romance or foreplay. However if you are more of a tantric, “Mystical alter your conscience” kind of lover, give it a pass. It’ s just raw fucking with a semi-flacid penis.